The Alchemist
I want to be mad at you
I should be mad at you
But instead, I'm so fucking grateful
And for once
This isn't just the voice of Stockholm syndrome
I'm so fucking grateful
And confused
Because I should hate you
Because if you can snap your fingers
And do good
Just as easily as you can destroy
Why don't you?
Because you didn't make me beg and bargain
You just did it
Like you've had a soul this whole time
Like this whole time, you knew right
From all the wrong
Like this whole damn time, you could have just
Chosen differently
Because every time I think I understand
Just how far your reach is
Not just in my mind
But in the real world
You go and surprise me again
Because I didn't think you knew
What love is
No matter the words that come out of
Your smirking mouth
But why else?
Because there's always a catch
There's always something I lose
Actions are business transactions
Never motivated by frivolous love
But I'm still waiting
Because you've spent 15 years
Trying to convince me
With what I thought was every trick in the book
But I never expected
Kindness
Is this the worst trick yet?
Surely there's no convincing me
Of your humanity
I've seen your horns
And I've the scars to prove it
I hate that I hate that I'm grateful
How can you make feeling positively
A negative?
How can you turn love into hate
Like water into wine?
Just because you no longer allow others
To have their way with me
All the times you ordered my torture
Are not negated
Just because you finally
Call for my respect
Does not mean they've forgotten
Me bending to their will
Just because you hear me
When the door is closed
Does not mean that you can silence me
When it is open
Just because you say you love me
Does not mean that you own me
Just because you've kept me alive
Does not mean I'm in your debt
I don't need to love you
Just because
I need to love you because
The alternative is too painful
Anger is the kind of fuel
That burns when it's consumed
I need to love you because
Hating you forever
Would keep you in my mind
Forever
I need to love you because
I've rested my head on your soul
I've felt your heartbeat in your chest
And even after all these times you ripped it out
It sounds just like mine
10/26/21